Many of the people that I talk to express how angry they are about their loved one’s drug and alcohol use. They are tired of the lying, and broken promises. They hold onto so much anger, so much hurt. They keep hoping for just one good day, one meal that is not ruined by drugs or alcohol. They desperately want things to change, and when they don’t, because addiction is so hard to conquer, the anger just keeps growing and growing inside of them.
You are justified in having that anger. Drugs and alcohol have probably ruined so many things in your life. Birthdays, celebrations, time with family, all ruined because your loved one was either actively using, trying to use, or sick because they did not use. You have every right to be angry about that.
When your loved one starts experiencing severe consequences due to their drug and alcohol use, you hope again that “this is it, they have hit rock bottom”. They might have lost their job, just been arrested, lost their children, or maybe they just overdosed and ended up at the ER. Your loved one comes to you, asking for help, telling you that they are done with that old life, things are going to change. You give them money, help them find treatment, maybe even help them find a job, or take care of their children while they get back on their feet.
For awhile, things are better, you think this is it, I am glad its over. But then things start changing again. You notice that they aren’t their usual self, or they are late, they start getting phone calls from people you don’t know. Your loved one might be more tired than usual, more stressed, more secretive. At first you chalk it up to them working too hard, being sick, “going through a lot right now”. But then they start asking you for money, they start selling things, draining accounts. The money isn’t adding up. You tell yourself, they had to spend the money on gas, or prices are going up. That is how addiction is, it sneaks up on you. You don’t want to believe it, but you know your loved one has relapsed. And your anger starts building up again. Anger because you know that the drugs and the alcohol are taking over again, taking your loved one from you again. And it is just a matter of time before something bad happens again.
I understand your anger. You have every right to be angry. Every right to be hurt and hate this situation. You want to lock your loved one up in the house so they can never go buy drugs or alcohol again. You want to be with them 24/7, watch where they go, watch who they hang out with, go through their belongings, see if you can catch them using, stop them before doing more drugs or alcohol. If you find their stash, you throw it away and get even more angry that they even brought it into the home.
You are so angry at your loved one, so angry for everything they are putting you through, and so tired of the endless cycle of addiction. Holding all this anger inside of you starts taking a toll, you start losing sleep, being short tempered with other family members, your muscles get so tight because the anger is stopping you from relaxing at all. You have done everything you can to help your loved one, and they are using again, of course you are angry.
But I want you to ask yourself, who is that anger helping? Is that anger helping them get the help that they need? Is that anger helping you? Sometimes family members think that if they only yell loud enough, or get mad big enough, that their loved one will stop using. And I am going to tell you right now, your loved one’s addiction has nothing to do with you. You didn’t cause it and your anger isn’t going to stop it. Your anger isn’t going to help them and it certainly will not help you either.
Letting go of the anger is probably one of the hardest but most important things you can do to help not just yourself but your loved one as well. Al-Anon meetings or Nar-Anon meetings can help give you support as you find a new path. Individual counseling can help as well. Its important to find what works for you. If you have any questions or want to schedule an appointment please reach out.